To: Jonathan Saunders, Attorney at Law
From: Lucifer, Son of Morning, Attorney at Law
Re: A new strategy
My client, Adolph Hitler, wanted me to express his sincere gratitude to you for agreeing to work on his case. No doubt, you've already done some preliminary research into the events surrounding Mr. Tsabaoth's decision to send our client to Outer Darkness. I sent a lot of papers to you, and I'm guessing you feel a bit overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it. You're right, the ABA never prepared you for anything like this.
Regrettably, our last attempt at appeal was bogged down by minutiae that got in the way of a clear presentation of our case. Of course, most of those irrelevancies can be traced straight back to Mr. Tsabaoth's lawyers. Before you get any further into that mountain of paperwork, I've thrown together a rather quick and dirty presentation of the essential facts of the case:
1) Mr. Hitler's life, from the day of his birth, was set up in such a way that he would be two steps short of the looney bin by the time he took over Germany.
2) The chain of events that led to his atrocities was set in motion by Mr. Tsabaoth himself, and in fact was essential to his plans for Planet 934-3972-2213. Mr. Tsabaoth admits to both these facts.
3) My client has been evaluated several times by a psychologist chosen by Mr. Tsabaoth's attorneys. It was decided that he was not sane at the time he committed the crimes (or at any time since the age of 15, for that matter).
4) Mr. Tsabaoth initially intended to send my client to the Telestial Kingdom after a sufficient sentence in Hell, and then changed his mind after a well-coordinated lobbying effort by my client's victims. In short, his decision was based solely on public opinion.
5) Mr. Tsabaoth's sentence violated paragraphs 1 and 2 of Article 19B of the Post-Mortal Sentencing Guidelines, which explicitly state that no defendant may be consigned to Outer Darkness without fulfilling the stated criteria: a- the defendant must have a knowledge of the Gospel, as outlined in Articles 3, 4, and 5 of the IET Handbook. b- the defendant must, at some time post-dating the acquisition of said knowledge, wilfully rebel against it.*
6) My client is fully aware of the vast and heinous nature of his crimes, and is fully willing to spend considerable time in Hell, bleeding at every pore, before taking his place in the Celestial Kingdom.
7) It should be remembered that, though the suffering my client caused was beyond comprehension, Mr. Tsabaoth steadfastly insists that the good that came out of those events far outweighed the bad (though he refuses to submit to a formal audit). Our client is only asking for recognition for his part in that good.
You will be performing most of the cross-examinations and argumentation for the case. I would do it, but being a non-corporeal entity puts me at a bit of a handicap. Though few judges are willing to admit their bias, they usually prefer to be addressed by someone who is at least expecting to be reunited with a physical body in the future.
If you start getting lost in the details, just sit back for a moment, take a breath, and read over these main points. Hopefully, this will help keep the big picture clear in your mind. Again, welcome aboard, and good luck.
Lucifer, Son of Morning, Attorney at Law
Law Firm of Lucifer, Moloch, Chemosh, and Clark
* I realize that you are used to laws that make some sort of sense. Believe me, if you're going to argue Post-Mortal Sentencing Guidelines, it's best to leave the "logic" part of your brain outside the courtroom. I personally don't mind these guidelines, since I'm in charge of keeping Outer Darkness in working order, and the PMSGs end up sending the real scumbags to the Telestial Kingdom. I don't envy Spook, having to deal with that crew. I don't know where that boy gets the energy.
Subject: I had no IDEA what I was getting into!
Look, you have to bail me out here. If I'd known what I was getting into, I would never have signed the contract. Do you have any idea what's going on here? They're nailing up a cross with my name on it (and I'm not speaking figuratively!) This wasn't part of the deal! Yeah, sure I knew I'd have to die, but nobody said I'd be nailed to a tree for six hours while these blasted Romans poked me with spears! I specifically asked for a "long life / peaceful death" clause, and now you'd better deliver. I want seven legions of angels down here NOW! You've never let me down before, dad. Don't forsake me on this one!
Your eldest son,
P.S. Mary M. sends her regards.
Subject: We know what YOU want!
If you want the absolute best in Celestial porn, look no further. HolyKisses.com has thousands of primo pics waiting for YOU! Watch our lovely ladies in the heavenly throes of spiritual ecstacy, desiring nothing more than to give everything they have to their Lord and Master! Watch as nubile brides of heaven demonstrate their willingness to go all the way for their faith! And for those who really need their spirits uplifted, we have a special triple X video showing the temple ceremony that Joseph Smith WISHES he had invented!!
Have your credit card ready.
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send a message to firstname.lastname@example.org with REMOVE in the subject heading.
It wasn't easy, but I got it. You know where to reach me. BTW, I ran into some unforseen expenses, and I'm raising my price to seventeen wives. Trust me, it's worth twice that.
Subject: THE EXMORMON BOARD!!!!!!
I DON'T KNOW WHY IT ISN'T WORKING I TELL THEM TO NOCK IT OFF LIKE YOUTOLD ME BUT THEY DONT NOCK IT OFF!!!!! ITS LIKE THEY THINK I'M CRAZY, BUT YOU KNOW I'M NOT CRAZY RIGHT GOD. HOW CAN THEY BE SO DUMB???? I WAS A BISHOP FOR FIVE YEARS AND WHEN I WAS EVERYONE LISTINED TO ME BUT NOW THEY DONT LISTEN TO ME!!!!! THEY MUST BE BLINED OR THEY WOULD SEE!!!!!!!! -RICK!!!!!
Transcrips of a CNN (Celestial News Network) Breaking Story:
Ytor Golinath, CNN News Correspondent: Rioting has broken out in Spirit Prison. Reports are sketchy at this time, but it appears that the prisoners have taken over A and C blocks, and are holding several members of the prison staff as hostages. Our video feed from the helicoper shows frantic activity in the prison yard as dozens of inmates are overpowering the guards! This is awful! Oh, I can't bear to watch!
(twenty seconds of mob violence pass without comment)
YG: We've just received word that the Danites are now in contact with the leader of the insurrection. Thanks to the miracle of easily bypassed encryption technology, we can listen in.
Danite Police Sergeant: . . . but you'll have to speak up. I can barely hear you!
Anonymous thug: I said, we're holding fifty thousand guards hostage.
DPS: What guarantee do I have that they're still alive?
AT: Well, being immortal ressurected beings, they're a bit tough to kill.
DPS: (winces) Okay. What are your demands?
AT: Umm . . . well, we haven't really thought that far ahead. Look, this just sort of . . . happened. You know how mobs can be. I mean, some of these guys have been here since Noah. I know that doesn't sound long to you, but we inmates are kind of a shortsighted lot.
DPS: Sorry, we can't let you out.
AT: Who said anything about getting out? We're perfectly happy right now!
DPS: Say again?
AT: Well, once we duct taped old lady Finkelstein, everyone was much happier.
DPS: Old lady who?
AT: She's a crazy old bird that somebody assigned to preach to us spirits in prison. She comes in at eight every morning, opens her extra large print quad, and starts reading in this loud, shrill voice that would drive an apostle to drink. At noon, she stops for a half hour to eat lunch. Then, at precisely twelve thirty, she opens her book to the same page and picks up right where she left off, and goes straight on until six P.M. She doesn't even skip the stupid parts. When Greg finally snapped. . .
AT: Greg. Started gnawing on his own leg, trying to get free from her. Anyways, that was when I tried to get old lady Finkelstein to stop. Did I mention why Greg snapped? She'd been reading somebody's genealogy, and there were a bunch of begattings, which isn't nearly as thrilling as it sounds. . .
DPS: Okay, why did Greg snap?
AT: When I asked her to stop, she got all huffy and said something like, "You find God's Word boring, son? Every word is inspired by the Lord, son. Every WORD!" And then to prove it, she started reading the footnotes! 1 Deut 17:23. 2 Ki 11:1. 1 Sam. 15:3, TG Immortality. And she's doing this over the PA system, so everyone in the place is going nuts and people are yelling make it stop make it stop and banging their heads against the bars so then the guards come through and start yelling at everybody. It just sort of took off from there.
DPS: So, if we get rid of Mrs. Finkelstein, you'll all behave?
AT: Sure. I don't see why not.
DPS: By the way. How did a bunch of intanges like you overpower fifty thousand physical-bodied guards?
AT: We possessed them. What else?
DPS: Oh. Um. . . how did you end up being the leader?
AT: I just happened to be closest to the phone when you called.
Ytor Golinath: It looks as though the crisis is, for the most part, resolved. We'll return you to your regularly scheduled programming, but you have my word that we'll cut back here immediately if anything violent happens, or anything else we couldn't ordinarily show on TV.
Elohim's To Do List:
1) Buy thirty million bottles of baby formula and seven million boxes of diapers. Sam's Club should have good prices.
2) Manifest to some old guy on the New York Subway. Give him a Very Important Message to take to the whole earth. I need some cheering up, and this could be good for a laugh.
3) Change oil on roadster.
4) Write Pat Robertson's ISP. I'm sick of getting all that mail from him. The lunatic is still hoping I'll blast Florida with an asteriod.
5) Finish quarterly report.
6) Call porta-potty guy. Try to talk him down a few bucks.
7) Submit paperwork to have network administrator sent to Outer Darkness.
8) Mow lawn.
9) Call lawyers, check on Hitler thing.