Editorial from the "Daily Multiverse," official journalistic arm ofthe Celestial Kingdom:
To the Editor:
Since the beginning of eternity, the Celestial Kingdom has been a haven of truth, beauty, and light in a universe of moral decay, debauchery, perversion, and caffeinated soft drinks. But I fear that the underpinnings of our social fabric are being threatened by underhandedness, backbiting, and a quest for personal gain that allows many in the Kingdom to eschew fairness when it suits their private ends.
Specifically, I'm referring to the recent rash of former Kingdom members who have been cast into Outer Darkness. It appears that more and more, this extreme penalty is being invoked as a weapon to serve the goals of those in power. I could cite thousands of examples where such outcasts were convicted and judged based on the flimsiest of rationale, but space will not permit.
It is my opinion that the vast majority, if not all, of the recent evictions were motivated by politics, not by a love of the Kingdom. It is up to gods of good conscience to stand up to this flagrant abuse of power, or we will see the day when everything that makes our Eternal City good and noble crumbles into unholy ruin.
Daily Multiverse News Story (two weeks later):
Mithrasa Koraboam Cast Into Outer Darkness
By Bruce R. McConkie, Associate Correspondent -
Once a shining star in the ranks of the Noble and Great Ones and presider over one of the largest and most respected families in the Kingdom, Mr. Koraboam was sentenced to spend the rest of eternity in Outer Darkness. Elohim Tsabaoth, having received all divine investitures of authority from his Father necessary to pass judgement, sentenced the proud and defiant god after hearing 72 straight hours of testimony.
"Your recent public attacks on our sacred and eternal way of life are nothing short of treacherous," the judge rebuked. "I shudder to think that one so wicked and depraved has gone unchastized for so long."
A few protesters gathered outside the City Courthouse, but were immediately banished to Outer Darkness as well. "They were disturbing the peace and inciting to riot," said Head of Danite Security, John D. Lee. "We had to act quickly and decisively in order to prevent unrest." Two of the protesters fled the scene, and are still at large.
The evil Lord of Darkness was more than glad to add another soul to his unholy army. "Mithrasa will probably have some trouble adjusting at first," Lucifer said in a telephone interview, "But generally, after a few months down here, they start feeling better about their new situation."
"Really, I wish more deities would make their dissatisfaction known,"he added, with a sinister laugh.
Mr. Koraboam has promised to appeal. His 1,432,183 wives and estimated 80,000,000,000 children were reassigned to Mr. Tsabaoth in a beautiful and touching mass wedding ceremony.
From Mr. Tsabaoth's voice mail:
Tsabaoth: "This is Elohim Tsabaoth, Lord of Hosts. I'm not in right now, but if you'll just leave your name and number I'll get back to you as soon as I can." (beep)
"Dear God, my name is Brittany Palmer. I'm seven. My little brother has cancer and he's very sick. Mommy and Daddy can't afford a treatment. Please help him to not be sick anymore. Amen."
(Message received by Mr. Tsabaoth's secretary, who recognized it's unimportance and deleted it immediately)
To: Elohim Tsabaoth
From: Kehoral Serenoth
Re: The new addition to your family. . .
Kid, you are a piece of work! I have to admit, the way you handled Mithrasa was sheer brilliance. I've done some checking around, and it looks like you managed to get public support for your decision. For obvious reasons, I've avoided taking a public position on it, but I want you to know that you've made me proud.
I don't need to tell you that, after tripling the size of your harem, you are now the biggest branch of my family tree. Of course, you'll have a lot of work ahead of you, keeping them all pregnant. If you need any assistance, remember that I'm available anytime, day or night. Just remember that Mithrasa was really lax with them, and some of them may have some pride in them that you'll have to break. Make sure they know you expect complete obedience. I realize that between all the impregnations and quashing the spirit of apostacy, you'll have your hands full. Trust me, it goes much faster if you combine the two activities.
I should warn you, a lot of people will be rooting for your downfall, both inside the immediate family, and outside. Horab will be especially angry, since he will be wanting his #1 spot back, but don't trust anyone. Stay sharp.
Your loving Father,
Archangel MICHAEL of the Tsabaoth family faces off against defending champion GERARD, Avatar of Taborgath! The SWORD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS meets the PUNISHER in a no-holds barred steel cage DEATH MATCH!!!!
The PUNISHER has won 17 of his last 19 fights and has promised to use Michael's intestines for a jump rope. The SWORD has won three straight, including a decisive upset over the Meataxe. Michael has vowed that the fury of the gates of Hell will be NOTHING compared to his wrath. "Forgive me, O Lord, for what I am about to do!"
At 8 o'clock tonight, all Hell will break loose! BE THERE!!!!!
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