The M Files

The adventures of Mahonri Moriancumer, PI.

To: Jesus Christ
From: Merrill J. Bateman, BYU President

Mr. Christ:

After much deliberation, the members of the Board of Directors has refused to allow you to address the 1999 graduating class
at baclaureate. Your refusal to comply with our terms puts us in a rather precarious situation, and I fully support the Board's
decision. On behalf of myself, the Board, and the students and faculty of Brigham Young University, we would like to express
our deep regret that we could not arrive at a satisfactory agreement.

Despite your great accomplishments as a moral teacher, father of the salvation of mankind, and Son of the Living God, the
board has decided that your appearance and conduct are not in keeping with the standards of this institution. Specifically, facial
hair is not authorized for students on campus. While this has not kept other notable persons from speaking here, your status as
Savior of Mankind could lead some of the student body to question that policy. The same goes for your long hair.

Your insistence on wearing your customary robe is also unacceptable. If I have been informed correctly, this garment reveals
your arms all the way up to the shoulders, as well as a great deal of your chest. It isn't difficult to imagine that your appearance
could incite the lusts and passions of some of the female students.

Regarding the content of the address, we must again insist that you give us a copy well beforehand, to allow adequate time for
review by the Church Correlation Committee. It is important that the message of a religious figure such as yourself conform to
accepted Church doctrine.

If, at any time in the future, you are willing to abide by these conditions, we would be honored by your participation in the
graduation ceremonies.


Merrill J. Bateman, President
Brigham Young University
Provo, Utah 84602

To: Jonathan Saunders, Attorney at Law
TLIN: 812-3227I-L832-20897
From: Lucifer, Son of Morning, Attorney at Law
ODIN: 001-0387K-Y008-66631

Re: Drop everything!


This new case could be way bigger than anything we've handled before. Even bigger than the Nancy Rigdon case. You
probably read in the Multiverse about the "Chaos Theory Killer." I don't know who has a grudge against this kid, but we've
offered him our services. You don't have to take the case, but after you read this brief and understand the implications to the
entire legal system, I'm sure you'll be more than willing.

On April 12, 1997, at exactly 12:53 PM, Jacob M. Phillips of Logan, Utah, entered a local McDonald's and ordered two
hamburgers and a small drink. Then, while his order was being filled, he went to get a straw. Had he simply waited at the
counter, nothing would have happened. But as he took the first step towards the dispenser, the air currents created by the
movement of his body began spiraling away from him, altering the weather patterns of the earth to greater and greater degrees,
until three months later, a tornado created by his motion killed seven people and injured twenty in Topeka, Kansas.
Coincidentally, one of the victims of the tornado was indebted to Mr. Phillips to the sum of $27.50 (an old, supposedly
forgotten sum from their high school days).

On June 19, 1997, at 5:41 AM, the same Mr. Phillips rolled out of bed with the intention of taking a morning jog with his Irish
Setter. Unfortunately, he wimped out that day, and instead made himself some Eggo(TM) waffles. To make a long story short,
the updraft caused by the hot toaster would send a busload of nuns off a cliff in Spain that August. Or, in the words of our
beloved Celestial Prosecuting Attorney, "As Jacob Phillips pressed the lever on that toaster, he condemned those innocent
women to a fiery death entrapped in the tangled steel. Clearly, such a gross disregard for human life cannot go unpunished."

Meanwhile, the tornado had created tertiary effects of its own. According to the prosecutor's reports, these effects included
seven traffic jams, a hurricane off the coast of Africa, a twenty percent reduction in the population of alaskan salmon, a
murder-suicide in Detroit, and (this will sound ridiculous, but the global models are rather clear on this point) three unwanted

Mr. Phillips' "reign of terror" ended abruptly on February 11, 1999. While visiting downtown Chicago, he was run over by a
commuter bus and killed instantly. Ironically, if it weren't for that busload of nuns, traffic in Chicago would have been much
heavier that day, making the bus five minutes late. So on top of the previous charges, they're trying to claim that he committed
suicide. Now he's in Prison, waiting for judgement. And the press is calling for blood.

To add another level of complexity (no pun intended), Phillips was an undergraduate student at Utah State University. A physics
major, specializing in -- what else? -- chaos theory. His master's thesis demonstrates a unique and vivid insight into the
mathematics of the science. The prosecution is hanging its case on this point, claiming that he not only demonstrated knowledge
of the fundamentals of complexity theory, but was able to use this knowledge to cause acts of murder and mayhem, all while
maintaining the illusion of total innocence.

If they can convict this guy, it's going to make our lives a whole lot harder. We've got a tough enough job without having every
one of our cases loaded down with things like this -- we've done the research, and believe me when I say EVERY case.

We'll be taking on this case entirely pro bono, but we're getting support from several other law firms. I'm certainly getting good
ideas from lawyers throughout the kingdoms. If you have any questions or ideas, you know my number.

Lucifer, Son of Morning, Attorney at Law
Law Firm of Lucifer, Moloch, Chemosh, and Clark
ODIN: 001-0387K-Y008-66631

Transcript of judicial proceedings in the case of The Kingdom vs. Jacob Phillips, aka. The Chaos Theory Killer.
Year of our Lords infinity + 3492293001, December 17, 11:30 AM
The honorable Solomon, son of David sitting in judgement

[note: opening arguments for the prosecution and defense were completed earlier this morning]

Baliff: All rise! The Honorable Judge Solomon, son of David presiding.

Judge Solomon: This court is now in session. You may be seated. [note: This portion of the record was removed, and has been
reconstructed from eyewitness accounts] Ma'am, you may be seated. Ma'am? Are you all right?

Unidentified woman: I want a divorce!

Judge S.: I'm sorry, madam. Do I know you?

Woman: Know me? We had seven children!

Judge S.: I'm sorry, madam, but I have so many wives, you really can't expect me to remember the name of every woman I
marry. Baliff!

[baliffs escort the woman from the court room as she screams "You haven't seen the last of me!" or something to that effect
(accounts vary somewhat)]

[ return to original transcript ]

Judge S: The prosecution may call its first witness.

Wilford Woodruff, Assistant Celestial Prosecuting Attorney: Your honor, the prosecution calls Professor Henry Eyring to the
stand. Professor Eyring is a highly respected scientist and theologian whose testimony. . . excuse me for one moment. . . [ reads
a message delivered by another member of the prosecuting team.] I regret to inform the court that Professor Eyring could not
attend court today, as he is not yet fully dead. The prosecution calls its second witness, Parley P. Pratt.

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Gods?

P. Pratt: I do.

W. Woodruff: In your opinion as a scientist, do you feel that the complexity model makes valid predictions?

Johnathan Saunders, (attorney for the defense): Objection, your honor!

Solomon: Overruled. Please continue, Mr. Woodruff.

P. Pratt: It certainly makes valid predictions.

W. Woodruff: And, in your opinion as a scientist, would you say that when the complexity model shows that the actions of a
person cause detrimental effects on another person, then that person was indeed the cause of the other person's misfortune?

P.Pratt: Umm. . . could you repeat the question? That was a bit of a mouthful.

W. Woodruff: Our models show that when Mr. Saunders pushed the air in McDonald's, it caused a tornado. Did such in fact

P. Pratt: Well, if the model says so. . .

W. Woodruff: Precisely. No further questions, your honor.

Judge Solomon: Would the defense care to cross-examine?

J. Saunders: Mr. Pratt, in your opinion as a scientist, is electricity a form of spirit matter?

P. Pratt: Yes.

J. Saunders: Fine or coarse?

P.Pratt: Coarse, of course. [laughter from the audience]

J. Saunders: Could you explain for the court at what point a thin, enclosed layer of water subjected to a temperature gradient
ceases exhibiting random motion and begins exhibiting organized behavior?

P. Pratt: Is there a point to this?

J. Saunders: Please answer the question.

P. Pratt: What are you talking about?

J. Saunders: It's a simple question closely linked to complexity theory. The prosecution has called on your expert opinion to
demonstrate the validity of the models being used to convict my client. Are you an expert in this field?

P. Pratt: Well, I consider myself more a scientific philosopher. . .

J. Saunders: So you've never published a paper? Attended a symposium? Read a science book with more words than pictures?

P. Pratt: Well, er, I. . .

J. Saunders: No further questions, your Honor.

W. Woodruff: The prosecution calls its next witness, Jesus Christ.

Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Gods?

J.C.: Of course.

W. Woodruff: My Lord, would you consider yourself an expert on the subjects of sin and accountability?

J.C.: I would.

W. Woodruff: And, if a man does something which causes pain and suffering to another person, has that person committed a

J.C.: Yes.

W. Woodruff: And would you please read Romans 6:23 for the benefit of the court?

J.C.: "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of. . . "

W. Woodruff: Yes, yes. That first part is what I'm looking for.

J.C.: Are you sure you don't want me to go on? The next part has me in it.

W. Woodruff: Yes, my Lord. You've read quite enough. Now, if Mr. Phillips here caused a tornado which killed seven people,
then pushed a bus full of nuns over a cliff, would that be a sin?

J.C.: Of course.

W. Woodruff: But if he didn't, but simply paid someone else to do it?

J.C.: It would still be a sin.

W. Woodruff: What if he only paid someone to perform unspecified acts of mayhem?

J.C.: Still a sin.

W. Woodruff: Mr. Phillips has a degree in the field of complexity, and thus knew that even apparently trivial actions could result
in enormous, often dangerous effects, including loss of life and damage to property. Nevertheless, he did absolutely nothing to
curtail these actions on his part. What would you call a man who refuses to acknowledge the consequences of his actions?

J.C.: In this context?

W. Woodruff: In general, my Savior.

J.C.: I would call such a man a sociopath.

W. Woodruff: No further questions, your Honor.

Judge Solomon: Care to cross-examine?

J. Saunders: Mister Christ, what were you doing on April 18, 27 AD?

J.C.: I was attending a wedding in Cana.

[ a TV/VCR setup is rolled out. Mr. Saunders pops in a tape ]

J. Saunders: Is that you? [pointing to bearded figure on the screen]

J.C.: Yes. And that's Mary Magdalene! Holy cow! I didn't even know she was there! I didn't meet her until the next year, you know.

J. Saunders: If you care to look the tape over again, it's in the archives, along with everything else. [ pauses tape ] What are you doing in this scene?

J.C.: It isn't what it looks like!

J. Saunders: Please answer the question.

J.C.: I was NOT picking my nose! I was only scratching it.

J. Saunders: I don't doubt that. What I'm concerned with are the air currents around your head, and how they were altered by this action. [ tape plays again ] Here is a model of the earth's weather at that time. Alongside, you will see the weather patterns that would have occured had you not scratched your nose.

J.C.: I don't see any difference.

J. Saunders: Not yet, but let's speed forward to six months after the alleged scratching incident.

J.C.: It's different.

J. Saunders: And then five years afterwards.

J.C.: What's that?

J. Saunders: That is a hurricane.

J.C.: That wasn't my fault. All I did. . .

J. Saunders: . . . was scratch your nose. Nevertheless, that hurricane killed over a hundred people in the Phillipines. As son of God, who was receiving His wisdom, you must have known the consequences of your actions.

J.C.: Well, it was a line upon line sort of thing. . . I didn't know it all at once.

J. Saunders: Because of the veil?

J.C.: Because of the veil.

J. Saunders: Would you say that your knowledge of complexity theory at the time was greater than or less than that of my client at the time of the alleged scratching?

J.C.: Somewhat greater, of course.

J. Saunders: No further questions, your Honor.

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