Obtaining a Copy of a Blessing

1) Assemble the following implements: stamp, envelope, checkbook, writing implement (black pen preferred), and a 550Mhz Pentium computer with 22" monitor, RivaTNT graphics card, 52X CD-ROM, Cambridge SoundWorks dual speakers, 2400 dpi LaserJet Printer, and Microsoft Office 2000 (if unavailable, substitute a sheet of lined paper). Patriarchal blessings can be obtained only by mail.

2) Write a quick message outlining your interest in obtaining a particular blessing. The information I received indicated that they would only accept requests for your own blessing, that of your spouse or descendants, or those of your deceased direct-line ancestors. I honestly don't know what would happen if you tried to make a false claim of ancestry. Perhaps it would make it through, perhaps Church Security will come to your house late at night and rough you up. I won't be the first to try it.

3) Be sure to include as much of the following information as possible:

• Full name as it appears on the blessing.
• Blessing recipient's date of birth.
• Date of the blessing.
• Name of patriarch giving the blessing.
• The Stake the patriarch oversaw at the time.
• Your relationship to the recipient of the blessing.

5) Put the check and the request into the envelope and seal (sealing instructions should be printed prominently on the box the envelope came in. If such instructions are unavailable, duct tape will hold anything together). Place the stamp on the envelope.

6) Write the following on the outside of the envelope:

Church Historical Department
50 East, North Temple
Salt Lake City, UT 84150

8) Now the waiting game begins. Your request is being delivered to the Church Historical Department by one of the thousands of noble United States Postal Workers. Or being dumped under a bridge in Chicago. One or the other.

9) When the Historical Department receives the request, it usually processes requests for living individuals within a matter of 30 days, and deceased ancestors in the order received. However, if you're reading this, chances are that the spirit of discernment will prompt them to throw your letter away unopened. I mean, you have to be pretty darned righteous to work in the Church Office Building.

10) If, by some miracle, someone in the Tower of Power was deaf to the Spirit and unable to recognize your ill intentions, you should eventually get a copy of the requested blessing.