The M Files

The adventures of Mahonri Moriancumer, PI.

To: Elohim Tsabaoth
CIN: 879-3572B-J117-77712
From: Kehoral Serenoth
CIN 123-5332A-U115-983743

Re: Several matters of business


First, I must congratulate you on your recent rise in the standings. As you are already aware, you are now in a virtual dead heat with Jardok Siborath for seventeenth place among my 2.71347*10^45 noble sons. Your overall standings against all members of Glory level 3493B is 34,871,008,337,876. By my calculations, which cannot be wrong :), your recent acquisition of 2183 new wives puts you in the top .00000000001% of all competitors, and increases your rate of eternal increase to 2.5% per year. At this rate, you could very well unseat Horab Mechenoth within three million years (give or take), and take the #1 spot within my family for yourself. This is part of the reason I've contacted you.

As you well know, with such an increase in your eternal glory, you will have to take on additional responsibilities. These include presiding over our family reunions (to include some share of the organizing efforts), periodically delivering the farewell addresses for the infants being sent down to their mortal abodes, and attending the biannual Progression Luncheon. You will also be asked to arbitrate claims whenever your neices and nephews feel that their father hasn't correctly assigned them to the proper sphere of glory. You know how I despise having my time and energy wasted by frivolous lawsuits. Hopefully, you will have the judgement to see which ones I need to intervene in personally. All these new responsibilities may seem overwhelming at first, but trust me. You're more than up to it. Don't hesitate to ask for help. You know my door is always open. On a related note, I know where you can rent three billion portapotties for family picnics. Jerothra Urias (SIN 685-3432J-K345-388912) rents them for an exceptionally low price. Keeps them clean, too.

You asked what to do with your boy, Hitler. Unfortunately, at this point, the matter is entirely out of our hands. He still demands admittance to the Celestial Kingdom. His arguments were persuasive, and it was only grudgingly that I let your original ruling stand. After all, he was an instrumentin thy* hands, and you did rely on him quite heavily in the initial planning phases of your planet 934-3972-2213. Your whole plan would have been seriously set back without his cooperation. Anyways, what's done is done, and unless we can negotiate him down to one of the better mansions in the Terrestrial Kingdom, Little Adolph could drag out this appeals process to literally eternity.

I noticed that your son Michael did rather poorly in the Archangel Dodecathalon, especially the fencing event. Hate to say it, but if he's going to be the one wielding the sword of your wrath in the final days of planet 934-3972-2213, you may have to put off burning the planet for a few thousand years until we can get that kid back in shape. Geez, give the kid a few hundred wives, suddenly he thinks he can stop exercising. You didn't see me go to pot when I got married, did you? Tell him to lay off the manna until he's back in trim. Unfortunately, that showboating little prick is the only archangel you've got.

Attached, you will find an overview of our family statistics for FY infinity + 3492293001 (see Attachment A). As you can see, I've had very little success in motivating your brothers to achieve higher levels of eternal increase. I think that, as a whole, the family is getting complacent. That's why I'm initiating the "5% Club." Sons in the top five percent of three of the five statistics (number of wives, number of children, number of children promoted to Deity status, number of inhabited planets, or the coveted population/planet efficiency ratio) will be given a day of rest every seven thousand years, and may even be allowed a personal audience with my great-great-grandfather (though I can't make promises). I may also, at my sole discretion, allow them to skip Family Home Evening. We need to get our numbers up, and get them up fast. While I can't encourage any of my children to violate any of the Eternal Statutes, I can say that if any of my children accidently admit the grandchildren to a higher kingdom than they may be worthy, I won't deal too harshly with them.

Good luck, Godspeed, and know that your total dedication to providing spiritual bodies for the Intelligence is greatly appreciated.

Your loving Father,
Kehoral Serenoth
CIN 123-5332A-U115-983743

* I personally don't know why you continue to insist that your children use such archaic language structures. But you do get results, so I guess I shouldn't be too critical.

Source: Stickum note on the monitor of Elohim's 593886 DX4 Sparc Workstation:


Please pick up twenty million bottles of baby formula and five million cases of diapers before you get home.

Wife #238492

To: Elohim Tsabaoth
CIN: 879-3572B-J117-77712
From: Julian Ishgar, Network Administrator
C2IN: 104-8391T-C911-824350

Re: Requested computer upgrade

Your Excellency,

I'm sorry, but due to budget constraints, I have to deny your request for the Holy Spirit!(TM) coprocessor upgrade. The computer networking department has very limited funds, and can only supply this technology to those who demonstrate a pressing need. Quite frankly, we can't see what possible use you would have for another forty trillion teraflops on what is already a top of the line workstation. However, we did just get a shipment of V.1400000 modems, with a pipeline capacity of 80Megs/nanosecond. I can install it within the next day or so (day day, not 1000 years day. . .heh heh. . .) This, along with an upgrade to Netscape 4.5, should make surfing the Eternity Wide Web a snap!

A note from your friendly neighborhood
network administrator,
Julian Ishgar
C2IN: 104-8391T-C911-824350


Subject: How could you????


You missed yet ANOTHER graduation. I had so many children expecting to see their daddy wave them goodbye as we shipped them planetward, and you didn't even have the common decency to make an appearance. I guess you were too busy counting falling sparrows or something. Do you think you're so important that the office would fall apart if you took a few minutes off? I hate to break it to you, buster, but your family needs you, though I quite frankly can't remember why.

Pick up some formula and diapers. The formula is especially important, as I have fifteen million infants and only two breasts. I'm sure even you can do the math.

Wife # 080325

To: Elohim Tsabaoth
CIN: 879-3572B-J117-77712
From: Julian Ishgar, Network Administrator
C2IN: 104-8391T-C911-824350

Re: Your slanderous accusations

Your Excellency,

I can't believe the response I got from you this afternoon. Your accusations were completely uncalled for, and I'll burn in hell before I let you get away with spreading these lies. I'll respond to each in turn:

1) No, I do NOT have a better computer than you do. Quite the contrary, I've pulled up the specs of our respective computers, and I not that not only does your computer have twice my hard drive capacity, but I also fall short by eighty Ters of RAM. I have a 17 inch screen, compared to your 1700' high definition monstrosity, and let's not even get started on your software package. My gosh! I made SURE you were the first person in the office to be upgraded to PlanetBuilder 5.5, and this is the thanks I get? If you're going to insist on telling everyone that I've been hogging all the good equipment for myself, I'll have to write a formal complaint to your father.

2) I most certainly AM jealous of your four hundred thousand plus wives. I have worked uncomplainingly in this ludicrous dead end job for a thousand millennia. I don't know how you ended up in the "highest level" while I didn't. All I know is that, on my records, there is some "infraction" of some "rule" which even my own file doesn't detail. Apparently, it was enough to make me lose any chance of getting a wife for myself, but not enough to get me into the Terrestrial Kingdom. As long as I'm doomed to spend eternity without any possibility of sex, I should at least be someplace where they know how to enjoy themselves.

3) You're a paranoid freak if you can seriously believe that virus was MY fault.

4) Under union regs, you have no right to link my salary to such a nebulous concept as "motivation level" or "eagerness." Of course, you're aware of that, and you're doing this to infuriate me. If it can't be objectively measured, it can't be a criterion. I'm willing to fight this, so you'd better be as well.

5) I talked to my sister (or "Wife 173650" as you so lovingly describe her). She says she hasn't even seen you in almost a month. I had to spend a couple of hours over at your place, helping her with a few thousand colicky babies. Stop worrying so much about your blasted computer and go help around the house.

A note from your no longer friendly
neighborhood network administrator,
Julian Ishgar
C2IN: 104-8391T-C911-824350

Transcript of phone call received at 9:53 MST, April 03, 1999 (by reckoning of Planet 934-3972-2213)

(two rings)

Elohim Tsabaoth: Hello?

Gordon B. Hinckley: Um, yes, Lord?

ET: What is it this time, Gordon?

GBH: Well, umm. . . You know how Conference is starting in seven minutes?

ET: M-hmm. . .

GBH: I haven't written my talks.

ET: Excuse me?

GBH: Well, I was meaning to write them months ago, but then I decided that I should just speak as the Spirit leads me.

ET: (sarcastic tone) Sure. It worked so well for Brigham. . . Are you crazy?

GBH: I'm terribly sorry, Lord, but you've had me hopping all over the planet, schmoozing with dignitaries, apologizing for the whole "Mark of Cain" thing, dedicating temples in all these backwards, disease-ridden countries that I'd never even HEARD of until ten years ago. . . I just haven't had time.

ET: Now listen here, punk. You will NOT take that tone of voice with me! I could have you thrown so far into outer darkness you'll have to spend ten thousand years climbing just to reach Cain! I'm God, and don't you forget it!

GBH: I'm sorry, Father. It won't happen again.

ET: All right, here's what you're going to do. You're going to march your scrawny, sagging butt up to the pulpit, and deliver a sermon verbatim from the Journal of Discourses. Brigham's Adam-God passage should do nicely. Wing the closing remarks for this session, then go straight past the news cameras, into the temple, and annul your eternal sealings to those twelve ancient Egyptian slave girls. If you want them that badly, you'll have to earn them back. Then call back here for instructions for the next session. If you obey me completely in this, I probably won't have you read one of Parley Pratt's incoherent discourses on electricity.

GBH: Yes, Lord. (hangs up)

ET: I really need to get caller ID.

To: Elohim Tsabaoth
CIN: 879-3572B-J117-77712
From: Kehoral Serenoth
CIN 123-5332A-U115-983743

Re: We're being audited


Higher Headquarters has decided to review our family branch (up to and including your grandpa's level) to see that we're following standard protocols. They're following up on some scandalous and completely unfounded rumors that some people in our structure have been ignoring the Spirit Wife Union regs. Of course, you know and I know that I always make it a point to make sure that no wife ever has to care for more than a thousand pre-earth infants at a time. It's no coincidence that our women are so happy and productive. It comes from strict adherence to policy. Just make sure you cooperate fully with the investigators and see that their requests are handled in a timely manner.

Kehoral Serenoth, Branch Manager
CIN 123-5332A-U115-983743


The auditors will tear us apart if we don't hurry and do some damage control. First thing, take the last memo I sent you and burn it. You've done a good job "purifying" the records, and as long as we keep them in the office, they shouldn't get too suspicious. Just make sure you see everything they see, and before they do. Make sure you keep them away from your underlings, and for heaven sake, DON'T LET THEM TALK TO THE WOMEN!!! Burn this memo. And do something about your primadonna network administrator. The kid's a loose cannon. I'll meet with you later to discuss strategy.


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