The M Files: Volume V

The adventures of Mahonri Moriancumer, PI.

To: Doris Finkelstein
CWIN: 879-3572B-J117-77712
From: Stefan Spielburgius
C3IN 515-2339C-C100-883276

Re: Great work, babe!


I read the screenplay, and I can only say, "I'm psyched!" This is hot, fresh, and new, babe! It snaps, it crackles, it pops! I was riveted from beginning to end! You have the gift, girl! The gift!

I can see them now! Snarky Despot, the hard-edged, murderous psychopath, who has only been hardened and angered by his time in spirit prison. Doreen Finkelhein, dedicated spirit worker with an unshakable, bedrock faith. Jack Lee, the no-nonsense police captain who must protect the hostages inside at all cost. But I'm especially intrigued by Lola. A sweet, wholesome young spirit with a smile to melt even the most bitter heart. A girl who has sacrificed everything to minister to the fallen. She really makes the whole script shine.

This is a story I want to tell the universe! It's destined to be one of the ten best movies released next year! It's got all the action of "Apocalypse Run," the poigniant human drama of "Worlds Without Number," the nail-biting suspense of "Redemption," and more laughs than "Three days on Earth. "If this is your final script, and you don't want to change anything, my people can make a deal with you, no delay.

Please don't get me wrong, but I think that this already phenomenal hit could be launched into the stratosphere if you could rewrite a few scenes to keep more of a focus on Lola. Throw in a little romance interest, a bit more insight into her character, and I guarantee this film will be one of the top twenty highest grossing movies of all time!

We should do lunch sometime. Don't be a stranger, babe! Just call the office. My secretaries will patch you right through.

Stefan Spielburgius, Film Agent
C3IN 515-2339C-C100-883276

To: Doris Finkelstein
CWIN: 879-3572B-J117-77712
From: Stefan Spielburgius
C3IN 515-2339C-C100-883276

Re: Ummm. . . babe?


I don't think you got the flow of my last note, kid. The script was crying out, begging for more Lola. You wrote her out entirely! Why? Without her, Doreen Finkelhein just looks like an overbearing windbag. She's a protagonist that people just won't be able to connect with.

Sorry, babe, but the new script just won't fly. We should do lunch. My treat. I'm sure we can cut a deal that will leave stars in your eyes.

Stefan Spielburgius, Film Agent
C3IN 515-2339C-C100-883276

To: Johnathan Saunders, Attorney at Law
TLIN: 812-3227I-L832-20897
From: Lucifer, Son of Morning, Attorney at Law
ODIN: 001-0387K-Y008-66631

Re: A few matters of business.

Mr. Saunders:

You've done some excellent work on the Hitler case. Mr. Chemosh says you've been absolutely invaluable. There are several cases in the pipeline which you will probably end up having a hand in, so I thought you deserved some warning.

First, L. Ron Hubbard has dropped by the office on several prior occasions, to explore his legal options. To refresh your memory, he started a small pseudo-religion back on Planet 934-3972-2213. It has grown into a rather heavy-handed organization which claims such celebrities as Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (I believe they are professional athletes of some sort, though I don't really follow that sort of thing). He was judged and sentenced to four thousand years in Hell before he could be admitted to the Telestial Kingdom. Rather a stiff penalty, in his opinion. He wants to sue for immediate release. I explained that he was being a bit ambitious, but he offered twice the usual fee.

He won't attempt an insanity plea, though an excellent case could have been built around it. Instead, he wants to bring dozens of witnesses to the stand to explain how Scientology helped them. This could be a very messy trial. Needless to say, the contract I wrote up ensures that we get our fee, even if we lose.

The second case I need to bring to your attention is that of Joseph Smith, Junior. Apparently, he is suing to stake his claim to fifty-seven wives whom he attempted to seal to himself in 1843 without their consent. Nancy Rigdon has hired us as part of a class action suit to support their desire to not marry Smith. It appears to be a weak case. First, though the custom is usually to wait until after someone's death to perform a ceremony by proxy, there is no written law on the subject. Second, it has been ruled in dozens of cases that sealing for eternity does not require the consent of the woman involved (most recently upheld in Josephine Napoleon vs. Brigham Young). Third, Smith is a highly influential figure among the Tsabaoth clan, and the judge will be inclined to favor him. We do have some things in our corner, though. First, we have footage of the ceremony which clearly indicates certain irregularities (a male acted as proxy forall fifty-seven women, Smith got confused on several "signs and tokens," and all fifty seven were performed en masse). Second, and possibly more important, we have evidence that at least fifty of them were eventually sealed to other men (yeah, the other seven are probably screwed). It's going to be an uphill battle, but I think it can be done.

Several other cases of lesser importance are also in the works. In the meantime, continue focusing on the Hitler appeal. We couldn't do it without you.

Lucifer, Son of Morning, Attorney at Law
Law Firm of Lucifer, Moloch, Chemosh, and Clark
ODIN: 001-0387K-Y008-66631

Progress Report of the CPPSA [Celestial Policy & Procedure Standard Audit] to the Executive Auditor.
Review Subject: Kehoral Serenoth (CIN 123-5332A-U115-983743) and descendants.

Review Team:

Yajoth Torrasqua (CIN 991-32002B-K197-294375)
Haigira Corlinoth (CIN 003-15540L-L023-093275)
Jack Hawthorne (C2IN 409-17759C-N101-314159)

Week 1:

Our team was assigned to review the activities of Kehoral Serenoth and his descendants for FY infinity + 3492293001, plus a lookback over the previous hundred years. Due to the rather severe time constraints, we have been forced to select only 500 of K.S.'s children for review. The first 250 were chosen on the basis of highest standing within the K.S. organization, and the remaining 250 were chosen at random (see Attachment A).

Though K.S. and his subordinates give the appearance of cooperation and helpfulness, initial inspection of their records indicate several rather convenient lapses in recordkeeping, which may indicate some reluctance on the part of the audited parties to be totally up-front about the status of the organization. A more direct evaluation may be necessary.

Week 2:

As you are aware, K.S. has complained rather vehemently about our desire to interview non-deity subordinates (wives, janitors, secretaries, etc.) and other functionaries, and has not allowed us to speak directly with several members of lower kingdoms who have taken legal action against previously rendered decisions. It is the opinion of this team that the entire Serenoth clan has been acting with intent to obstruct our audit. Please advise.

And now a word from our sponsors:

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Announcer: To order your free sample of MannaBlast(TM), call toll-free: 1-888-2THE-MAX. Mention this ad and receive a complementary sample of HolyWater(TM), official sports drink of the Archangel Decathalon.

From the Daily Multiverse

Woman who fears husband no longer loves her is up in the night.

Ask Elohim Anything

Dear Elohim,
Sometimes I wonder if my husband still loves me. Things were great when he only had to divide his attention among a few dozen of us wives, but the family has grown, and now I barely see him. Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much? - Hurting in Heaven

Dear Hurting,
Behold, thus saith the Lord, thy God: Thy husband magnifieth his calling, and doth produce many spirit children, which is good in My sight. Thy desires are unholy, and I call thee to repent and forsake your selfishness, and to magnify thine own calling, and produce many spirit children. These are the words of the Lord, thy God.

Dear Elohim,
I have a spirit son (I'll call him Gary) who is only a few millennia old, but already thinks he might be gay. I've tried to explain that this usually doesn't happen until a child gets a spirit body, but he is insistent. Is this possible? What should I do? - Confused in the Celestial Kingdom

Dear Confused,
Lo, and hearken unto the words of the Lord thy God. Homosexuality is an abomination in My sight. Know that the stench of this unholy mockery of the true order doth ascend even unto the highest heaven, and assault the nostrils of all gods of virtue and truth. Thou shalt separate thy son from thee, and he shall be cast from heaven into the pit of woe and despair. O! How thou art fallen, Lucifer, son of Morning!

Dear Elohim,
Can I have my Egyptian slave girls back now? - The Hinckster

Dear Hinckster,

Dear Elohim,
I've been seeing this great guy for over a century now. He's kind, sweet, and generous, but I just can't get him to make a commitment. He only has a few dozen spirit wives, and financially he is more than capable of supporting me. How can I get this man to take me as a wife? - Impatient

Dear Impatient,
This is given unto thy boyfriend by way of commandment. Thou shalt cleave unto Impatient, and the two shall be one flesh. If thou art faithful in fulfilling this My commandment, thou shalt be blessed beyond thy ability to receive it. Fail in this, and thou shalt lose even that which thou hast gained, and thou shalt be made an hiss and a byword among the people.

Ask Elohim Anything is a weekly column carried by over 2500 newspapers throughout the Celestial Kingdom.

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